I think we should start over. I guess starting over isn’t really what I mean. Do a little Spring cleaning. Open the windows and let the fresh air in. I’ve neglected the dark corners for too long and you’ve become something you’re not. You’re shelter, not imprisonment. Like the difference between using a gallon storage ziplock to protect your valuables from rain while camping and putting it over your head and suffocating yourself. Misused tools turn into weapons. It’s all about the connotation. Words on words. Daggers or blankets. I’ve been wielding my feelings haphazardly and I feel like you’ve lost so much blood. You must be tired babe. You must be so exhausted. I feel like I’ve abused you. I’m so sorry.
You and I aren’t from the same place. We’ve forever been so different and forever will be. You’ve stood on your planet and me on mine. Our gazes were in opposite directions, which must be how our eyes came to rest on one another. Infinite space exists between us, halving and re-halving itself so it never reaches the destination. We can’t ever really be one thing. We can’t ever totally know. And in the process of trying to unite and speak a common language we’ve buffed out all of the other’s special surfaces. Like two magnets that repel each other we keep pushing onward and little by little we shift what we are made of in the name of love. And we’re losing it.
Our love is being morphed from a life-giving and powerful force into a muted clusterfuck of boundaries and limitations and training. Why are we being bonsais when we could be redwoods? Our love is big enough. We don’t have to fix it. We don’t have to make rules. We don’t have to nail into each other these boards we think are strengthening us. We were fine from the start. We just didn’t know it. And we’re getting further from it. With the realizations of each others’ true natures we’ve started deconstructing our own foundations to make room. Maybe that’s what’s expected. Maybe that’s what people think “compromise” looks like. Maybe that’s ok for a while. But it’s ok to have two planets we live on. We don’t have to try to meet in the middle and fall into the abyss. Let’s get better at visiting. Let’s be truthful and stay centered in ourselves. We don’t have to let that go to be together. Finding OUR center is not meant to come at the price of losing each of our own. It doesn’t have to work like that. It doesn’t have to work like anything ever has. It doesn’t have to become so cliche. We don’t have to wear these uniforms. We can homeschool.
I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry I turned you into a potted plant when really you were a wildflower. There’s so much I feel and think. Look up and out and remember none of this matters. Because all of it always does. Our manifesto should start out something like that. I’ve become so gnarled and twisted trying to protect this sodden soul that I drench with my own tears. I am just a leaf that’s falling from a tree and will sooner or later hit the earth and be absorbed. I get that now. Let’s let go together. Let’s enjoy this falling. Over and over. In this life and the next. I’ll find you again. I’ve found you again. I’m finding you right now.
to infinity and beyond. just like the swings said.